But God gave you me!

February 29 - to everyone else, it's just an 'extra' day we get every 4 years. To me, it's the anniversary of when I lost one of the most important men in my life.

But today, I didn't wake up thinking about that. Instead, I woke up thinking about all the ways to disinfect my house. Luke had risen at 1:30am to show us that his eye was completely glued shut with funky gunky green stuff. Pink eye had set in at the Asbell house. I consider pink eye about as gross and contagious as lice. The first couple hours I followed him around with a lysol bottle and hand sanitizer. It was so bad that by lunch he was taking the lysol and spraying anything he touched by himself. He's five. I might have ruined him.

In between the doctor and meds, we had some time to spare. We couldn't go anywhere public, but I desperately wanted to be outside in this beautiful weather. The pharmacy was just minutes away from the cemetery, so I decided it was time for a trip. The last time Luke was there was 4 years ago. He was 1.5 and Evan was almost 3 (side note: I can't believe how much I expected Evan to understand at 3!! Poor first born kids. Read about that here.) Needless to say, Luke didn't remember that last visit.

One thing you need to know about Luke. He talks incessantly when brother is not around.
L: Your dad is in heaven?
Me: Yes, with Jesus and God.
L: Heaven is up in outer space. So your dad is in outer space...with Jesus and God.
Me: Yup, heaven isn't of this world, so it's kinda like outer space, but today we are going to the cemetery to see where he was buried.
L: Is that a hospital?
Me: No, he's not alive, so he's not at the hospital. He's in heaven.
L: With Jesus....and God.
Me: Yes.

We get there and Luke is so excited to see the headstones all lined up nice and neatly. I mean, weirdly SO excited. Another thing you need to know about Luke, he is his father's child. Things need to be set out just right and in their place. He also puts his thoughts through a logical filter rather than emotional one, unlike his brother and mother. To him, things are black and white and right and wrong. Not a lot of grey in this little guy's life.

We have an even better talk at dad's headstone. I set my phone up to record the conversation and ended up getting some great screenshots. But this...this is what was the most amazing thing Luke said.

L: Do you need him?
Me: Well, no, I don't need my dad, but I sure do miss him.
L: But he's with God with all these other headstones (the concept of a cemetery is kinda deep)
Me: Yes and he is so happy in heaven.
L: So then, God gave you me!!!

God gave me him. Why is it so easy to look at what we don't have? What we are missing. What we think we need or deserve. Sadly, I know I do it everyday. But what I need to start doing is exactly what my five year old said. He looked around and saw what we do have. What God did give us. And yes, my kids will never know my dad and that does make my heart ache. But, what they will know is in this family we thankful for everyday blessings.

Disappointments and Family

Evan has never been one to shy away from the limelight, and he's gotten plenty of opportunities to shine in it these past couple months. But there was one moment his little light wasn't allowed to shine like he had planned and practiced.

St. George's hosts a Talent Show each year where first through fifth graders are allowed to spotlight their gifts and talents. Evan decided way back in November he wanted to play the drums to the song Red Balloon from the movie Home. He started practicing with Andrew, his drum teacher, in December. By February, he could play that song in his sleep! There two rehearsals, but neither one he was able to actually play through the sound system.

The night of the show Evan was ready. He knew his part. He planned his exit. There was nothing left to do but play....

Sadly, he played with all his heart, but nothing was heard. His drums were not running through the sound system. I was working sound for the acts that required additional music (I was in charge of pressing play on all the music off a CD). I had nothing to do with instruments. When I realized he wasn't coming through the sound system, I leaned over and said something to the sound guy. Apparently he was also getting an earful in his headset about it. He was working furiously to make sound come out of the system, but nothing he was doing was working. But there was Evan....still playing.

About 45 seconds I hear the sound guy say, "It's on. I swear it is on...he is just playing too softly." Well, if you have ever been within 100 yards of Evan playing the drums you know that is one thing he does not do. He does not play the drums quietly. You can hear him for miles (or so it seems).
At that point he was half way through. I threw down my pen and put my head down. I was so upset. When I looked up, Evan was still playing his sweet heart out. He was phased, but not deterred. He was effected but not defeated.

The texts immediately started rolling in. Evan was only the second act. I still had 27 other acts to go. I had to be present in my moment to play the correct track at the correct time...to know whether the groups would start on or off stage. To know whether they move forward after the curtain lifts or need props before I hit play.

The backstage crew was trying to tell me to send him back and he would play again. John was trying to tell me Evan wanted to stay for the show. I finally threw up my hands and said, "I can't text you people! I will miss a cue!" and put my phone down.

I pushed past the disappointment and stayed diligent for the rest of the show so no one else's act would be messed up. When the show ended, there were so many people who came up to me to comment. So many people who's children were in the show, but still wanted to seek me out to tell me how sad they were and how well they thought Evan handled it. But the final straw was when I finally looked at my phone again and saw this text from John.

"We have one bummed out little drummer."

That's when I lost it. I drove home crying the entire way because I feel like I could have prevented it. If I told John to bring him back in, he could have played again. I sent Evan home even though he wanted to stay. (side note: We didn't plan on him staying so I didn't arrange him to sit with anyone!) I called John, crying about the whole situation. After talking to him the entire way and him being very calm with me, he basically said, "You cannot come home crying. He is in a better place now and if you come in here crying, he's going to be upset again." So I drove once around the block to gather my emotions. 

That drive around the block did me good. I was able to compose myself and plan what I was going to say to Evan. When I got home, he ran quite literally into my arms and said, "My drums weren't on." I explained I knew and that stunk. We went on the talk about disappointment. I made these points:

• It won't be his last disappointment in life.
• It's okay to be sad/mad/upset around his 'safe' people (us).
• But most importantly, our character is defined how we react to life's disappointments. 

I spent quite a while talking to him about our reactions around others when we are disappointed. How the next day at school, people might mention that they knew his drums weren't on, and so on. He had two choices; he could pout about it or hold his head high and say how much fun he had anyway. He replied, "We don't pout." No sir, we don't.

What I didn't know, is what was happening behind the scenes. While I was crying in my car, literally talking out loud to God about my disappointment how the night went, my St. George's family was trying to make everything right. Jessica Abell and Tracy Forbes hatched out a plan for Evan. Tracy, who's daughter performed in the talent show, could have been driving home thinking about how great she did (which she did!). Jessica, who is like 10 months pregnant with a toddler at home, could have been thinking about finally ending her long day and getting to see her family. But no, both of them were so upset about Evan and wanted to make it right. 

That is what family does for each other. They celebrate all the successes and mourn all the losses. They grieve when you do and try to make things right when important things just don't go your way. In less than 24 hours, my St. George's family had contacted Evan's drum teacher, organized him to bring the drum kit to chapel, organized A/V for the drum to go through our system, and even talked to the professional videographer about dubbing over the Talent Show audio with Evan's new performance. 

St. George's is so much more than a school for my kids. It's so much more than a place they go to 180 days. It is rare to find a place where our family values and morals meet up with a superior education. If my children are spending more hours a week at school than at home, I want it to be a place where not just teachers and staff, but students and parents treat each other like family. A place where they care not just about his academic success, but his character, his emotional intelligence, his spiritual well being. It is literally a place they care about all the things that are important to us as a family.

So thank you to our St. George's family for making this disappointment something Evan will not remember as a disappointment. 

Limelight

Evan has had a lot of chances to shine in the limelight this month and as we all know, he's not one to shy away from the spotlight. 2nd grade students put on a biography play each year. This is something I have looked forward to since Evan was in PK.

 

Evan has always been interested in art, but his interest in Leonardo DiVinci specifically started after he saw Mr. Peabody and Sherman. More times that not, he donned what he believed was a Italian accent. He researched DiVinci's art. So it was just natural for him to choose him for his biography. One thing I love is the teachers made it very clear this was a book report, not an internet report. They spent so much time talking about proper research from the biography, note taking skills, summarization, important fact finding. This was so much more than a 'book report' come to life.

We found a great Leonardo wig/beard/hat set and then scrounged around closets to put together the rest of his outfit. I think it turned out great, if I do say so myself.

Evan delivered his 1 minute speech from memory perfectly, and even was able to get a couple laughs, which he wanted!

But the highlight of the show was the dancing. I mean, who knew Leonardo was a painter, inventor, AND dancer.

Just a couple weeks later, Evan was involved in the SGIS Talent Show. Things didn't go exactly as planned (read about that here). To make up for the blunder, Evan performed his solo during a SK-5th chapel. This means he performed this for over 300 people not once, but twice! How many adults can say they can do that?? We are so proud of him.

 

Bye Felicia and Peace Out Girl Scout

And any other saying that means buh-bye...so long....get out of here.

My family has been sick for years. Well, okay, maybe it isn't years, but these past 2 weeks have been what I can only describe as hell on earth.

It started with Luke and a 5 day virus (that was probably the flu, but I didn't test him because Tamiflu can't be tolerated by the Asbell stomach AND he had the flu shot) that ended with 2 days of an upper respiratory funk. We were all well and for 2 days. Two. Days before Evan and I fell to the plague. We are repeating the same pattern as Luke.

Sharing is caring??

**Side note - I want to jump on a soapbox for a second and say that 99 is a fever for some people. Parents, please take your kids' temps several times on a healthy day and find their average. Both my boys and I run between 97.2 and 97.5. So when one of them has a 99, it's like one of those normal 98.6 people having 100. When his is 100, it's like 102 for the normal temp guy. Us with a 102 is the scary, hallucinate you have small puppies in the bed with you when it's really your youngest son. That possibly happened.

I could get all into the horrible details of what the virus has done to us, but I really think you'd stop reading after symptom number 2...

What I am taking away from this these 2 weeks of utter hell. How in the world St. Jude parents do it?

I mean, I know they do it because they have to, but seeing my babies so sick for this short amount of time was killer. Like I really don't want to live this again. I can't even imagine if this was my daily life.

Every time one of mine woke up at 1am throwing up, I prayed for every St. Jude mom and dad who spent countless nights in their bathroom holding their child while they threw up due to chemo.

Every time one of mine moaned from fever, I shed tears of the parents of all the St. Jude families who have heard or are hearing their child moan from cancer pains and not being able to do a thing.

When I held my child and could do NOTHING to make them feel better, I called out to God to hold all the parents and patients at St. Jude.

When I had little to no energy to even speak to my other child or husband after a long day of caring for my sick child, my heart ached for parents at St. Jude and their mental and physical exhaustion.

You see, no matter how many times we get a virus, I will never ever know the pain a parent who has a child at St. Jude feels. Never. But God has given me the power of prayer,  financial ability to donate, and opportunities to fundraise for this amazing hospital that understands it's not just the child battling cancer; it's the whole family.

I will be doing Yoga Gives again this year and would love your support. The kids at St. Jude would love your support. The parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, loved one of St. Jude would love your support. They may never know your name, never meet you, never be able to give you a hug, but I can on their behalf because I know if they could, they would.

Yoga Gives to St. Jude kids coming soon!!